Little Hands

I am back at Messiah now, back for my senior year.  Time really does fly.  

Now that I am back and going to classes and doing homework again, I am already so tired and so ready to graduate.  Can I be done already was all I was thinking for the first few days. 

However, a pair of little hands made me realize that I'm not ready to graduate yet, that I still need to stay here for another year to keep working to learn all I can about being an effective and influential teacher.   

This past Thursday a little boy came up to me, leaned against my side, and wrapped his arm around my leg.  I could feel his arm squeezing my leg his palm and fingers gripping my thigh, looking for comfort.  It was in that moment that I was reassured that this is where I am supposed to be: here at Messiah College, and here with this little boy. 

Heartbreaker

Recently I have been listening to Marina & the Diamonds, I don't think there is a single song that I don't like listening to.  This is one of my favorites and one that I find myself constantly singing.  In some way I feel as if I identify with this song... 


"How To Be A Heartbreaker"

Rule number one, is that you gotta have fun,
But baby when you're done, you gotta be the first to run
Rule number two, just don't get attached to, 
Somebody you could lose
So le-let me tell you

This is how to be a heartbreaker
Boys they like a little danger
We'll get him falling for a stranger, a player
Singing I lo-lo-love you

How to be a heartbreaker
Boys they like the look of danger
We'll get him falling for a stranger, a player
Singing I lo-lo-love you
At least I think I do!

Cause I lo-lo-lo-love you.

Rule number three, wear your heart on your cheek
But never on your sleeve, unless you wanna taste defeat
Rule number four, gotta be looking pure
Kiss him goodbye at the door and leave him wanting more-more

This is how to be a heartbreaker
Boys they like a little danger
We'll get him falling for a stranger, a player
Singing I lo-lo-love you

How to be a heartbreaker
Boys they like the look of danger
We'll get him falling for a stranger, a player
Singing I lo-lo-love you
At least I think I do!

Cause I lo-lo-lo-love you.

Girls, we do, whatever it will take
Cause girls don't want, we don't want our hearts to break
In two, so it's better to be fake
Can't risk losing love again babe.

This is how to be a heartbreaker
Boys they like a little danger
We'll get him falling for a stranger, a player
Singing I lo-lo-love you

How to be a heartbreaker
Boys they like the look of danger
We'll get him falling for a stranger, a player
Singing I lo-lo-love you

Cause I lo-lo-lo-love you.
At least I think I do!

Unshakable Faith

Psalm 73: 23-26

Yet I am always with you;

you hold me by my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,

and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you? 
    

And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,                                                                                                              but God is the strength of my heart                                                                                                       and my portion forever.

Unshakable Faith

I’m currently sitting in bed writing this post, weeping.  I was just reading the blog postings of a friend of mine who is currently in England.  He is blogging about what he is experiencing over there and despite everything he remains so optimistic and true to God. I just broke down and haven’t stopped crying even though I read his blog over an hour ago. 

I realized my faith in God is nothing like it used to be when I was younger.  My faith is shaky, it’s breaking apart, and I’m breaking down.  I HATE it.  And I HATE myself for it.

I come from such a strong Christian background that I feel so ashamed to admit this.  My parents are some of the strongest Christians I know and as much as we kids swear we won’t be like our parents, in this way, I DO want to be my parents.  I do want to have an unshakable faith that is rooted in God.

This next story may seem out of place at first, but I swear it has a point.  At my Grandma and Grandpa King’s 50^th Anniversary party that happened about 13 years ago people were sharing all sorts of stories about my grandparents whether it was about their courtship, married life, or just crazy farm stories.  These stories came from their sons, grandchildren, friends, and brothers and sisters.  The one story that stuck out was a story my Uncle Kevin told about my Grandpa.  He said the one thing he will never forget about his dad (my grandpa), was that every morning as he and his brothers would run out of the house to get all their farm chores done, they would trip over their father on the way out of the house. Why might you ask were they tripping over my grandpa every morning on their way out?  He was kneeling by the door, praying.  He did this every morning.  He would pray for his boys and his wife, that God would keep them safe and healthy. He prayed for the farm, he prayed for everyone that he knew.  My grandpa King is the most selfless and most genuine person I have ever known.  And he had an unshakable faith in God.  I’ve never met someone who had so many bad things happen to them in their life and still love God as much as he did.  He loved God with everything he had.  I really wish he were here so I could talk to him.  It’s been seven years now since he died; I had just turned 14 and was in the 8^th grade.  I’m starting to forget little things about him and it hurts so much, because I don’t want to forget anything about him.  The one thing I know I will never forget about him though, is the love and unfailing faith he had in the lord. 

I think one of my big problems is that I am a really independent person and I feel like I should be able to fix my own problems and figure things out on my own.  But I can’t do everything on my own.  I need help sometimes; I just don’t like admitting that I need help. 

While I was at school this past spring semester I started getting into the habit of running our fit trail in the morning and then after my run I would sit on the swinging bridge to pray.  It is so peaceful at 7 am on that bridge.  There were a few mornings that I just sat there and cried because I knew something was missing… it was that unshakable faith that I so desperately desire.  I would really like to continue this tradition of waking up early in the morning so I can run and sit on the bridge to talk to God and pray.  It is what I want and what I need.  I need more of God in my life.  I need that unshakable faith.    

Rain

"And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down. Without the rain, there would be no rainbow." 
Gilbert K. Chesterton 


Rain. 


Some people hate rain.  I mean I guess I cannot blame them.  Rain does sometimes seem to come at less than ideal times.  Take for example a day at the beach... there's nothing worse than seeing looming rain clouds in the sky on what was meant to be the perfect day. 


However, I like the rain.  In fact, I love the rain. 


It is wet, and usually cold.  It is invigorating to say the least.  


Rain makes me feel.  


Alive.


I love the feel of rain on my skin.  I love the feel of rain on my face.  I usually have those moments where I think, Crap! My mascara!  But then again I usually don't even care.


One day during fall semester of my Junior year when I was feeling particularly lonely, empty, and lost, it started to rain.  I walked to the window in my apartment and put my hand to the glass.  I closed my eyes and the next thing I knew I was flying down the staircase running straight out into the rain.  I threw my hands up into the air as if to ask the clouds to aim every last rain drop at me.  I stood there for the longest time my face to the sky letting the rain fall onto my face, and the rest of me.  It was the first time since I arrived at school that I felt truly alive.  I started to cry.  I cried tears of frustration, hurt, guilt, and pain.  It was hard to tell which drops were rain and which were tears.  But it didn't matter.  And then I did something that I never would have expected... I started to laugh.  I had been tormented by so many things up to that point and I was a basket case trying to keep myself in check and act normal for my own sanity and for the sake of my friends and the people I came into contact with.  


It was that day of rain that I started to heal. 


Rain reminds me to live.  
Rain reminds me to breathe.
Rain reminds me to smile. 


So every time it rains I look to the sky and whisper, "Thank you, thank you for sending the rain."     






  

I'm fine

I’m fine – I hate this phrase with every fiber in my body.  “I’m fine” is one of the most overused and general responses to the questions, “Are you okay?” and “How are you?”

I’m fine – What does that even mean?  I say it all the time, yet I question myself, “Danielle what are you saying, what do you mean, you’re fine?”

If I had a quarter for every time I said I’m fine and actually meant it I could probably buy myself a descent meal, and I might even have some money left over for dessert.  However, if I had a quarter for every time I said I’m fine and didn’t mean it, I could probably buy a prom dress, get it altered, and get shoes, a purse, and jewelry to match.  So translation, when I say I’m fine I’m usually not.   

The thing that amazes me about this though is that when you say I’m fine so many people fail to realize that you’re not fine.  Or can they see that you’re not fine?  When people realize you’re not fine, do they overlook it because they’re giving you space or is it because they don’t care.  And on that subject, when people say, “How are you?” Do they actually really want to know or are they just being polite? Okay, sorry now I feel like I’m rambling. 

But anyway back to my point of being fine or not fine.  I was recently in a situation where a boy said to me, “Are you okay?” and I replied, “Yes, I’m fine and I will be fine.”  Translation – “I’m not fine, I wasn’t fine before and certainly won’t be fine now, you idiot.”  However he believed the answer I told him, and we moved on.  That’s what I’m talking about… no one ever knows that I’m NOT fine.  But then again I’m not the type of person who always wants people in my face asking me what’s wrong so I may be acting a bit hypocritical.      

One thing I know for sure though is that my Mom is one of the only people who knows what “I’m fine” means when I say it.  I don’t know how she does it but she’s right every time.  She knows exactly when I’m falling apart and helps me put the pieces back together.  Without her I wouldn’t be intact, I would literally be in pieces.  Thank God for Mom. 

So next time you or someone else says, “I’m fine,” think about it, what are you or that person really trying to say?  

Dive for dreams

Dive for dreams

dive for dreams
or a slogan may topple you
(trees are their roots
and wind is wind)

trust your heart
if the seas catch fire
(and live by love
though the stars walk backward)

honour the past
but welcome the future
(and dance your death
away at this wedding)

never mind a world
with its villains or heroes
(for god likes girls
and tomorrow and the earth)

e.e. cummings

The first time I ever heard this poem was in the movie Charlie St. Cloud.  I wish I had discovered this poem earlier or on my own, but I'll take what I can get.  When I heard Charlie read a portion of this poem to Tess I was instantly taken with this poem.  Each part of this poem means something for me...  

1.  You can't just stand on the sidelines waiting for your life to happen, waiting for you dreams to come to you.  You have to dive straight into whatever comes at you, or else your fears/obstacles or your "slogan" whatever it may be will knock you flat on your ass.  But if you are knocked on that ass of yours you have legs, your "roots" that will let you stand again, and you are who you are at the end of the day, just like the wind.  

2.  Trust your heart... well that seems a bit cliché seeing as my heart has been crushed, ripped out, and stomped on multiple times now.  However, I understand the sentiment, and put that together with the line "if the seas catch fire" and e e.cummings is back in my good graces.  That one line makes everything better for me.  Seas can't catch fire on their own but if they did I'm sure love would be all consuming, as if it is the right kind of love it should be all consuming.  And even if something as strange were to occur as the stars walking backward don't let that hinder you from what or who you want to love... live by love.

3. Remember who you are and where you came from, but don't let your past life rule the life you live today, the life you live in this moment.  Don't regret the past, for it becomes your present, and it becomes part of your future.  So honour it honour the life you have and the life you have yet to live.  Welcome your future with open arms, arms full of hope and life.  Live a life that brings you joy and happiness each day.  Live a life where you can find joy and happiness in other peoples' lives as well.  And dance.  Dance like nobody is watching you.  Dance your sorrows, your troubles, your fears, and your regrets away. These things will be the death of you, so by all means get rid of them, forget about them, dance them away.  

4.  Forget about villains or heroes, don't spend time grouping people into categories.  Find people you love, find people that fit your dream and stick with them.  Stick with them and with God or with whatever power you choose to believe in.  

Never forget that the promise of tomorrow is real, so take it, seize it and run, dive head first for dreams.