Unshakable Faith

Psalm 73: 23-26

Yet I am always with you;

you hold me by my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel,

and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you? 
    

And earth has nothing I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,                                                                                                              but God is the strength of my heart                                                                                                       and my portion forever.

Unshakable Faith

I’m currently sitting in bed writing this post, weeping.  I was just reading the blog postings of a friend of mine who is currently in England.  He is blogging about what he is experiencing over there and despite everything he remains so optimistic and true to God. I just broke down and haven’t stopped crying even though I read his blog over an hour ago. 

I realized my faith in God is nothing like it used to be when I was younger.  My faith is shaky, it’s breaking apart, and I’m breaking down.  I HATE it.  And I HATE myself for it.

I come from such a strong Christian background that I feel so ashamed to admit this.  My parents are some of the strongest Christians I know and as much as we kids swear we won’t be like our parents, in this way, I DO want to be my parents.  I do want to have an unshakable faith that is rooted in God.

This next story may seem out of place at first, but I swear it has a point.  At my Grandma and Grandpa King’s 50^th Anniversary party that happened about 13 years ago people were sharing all sorts of stories about my grandparents whether it was about their courtship, married life, or just crazy farm stories.  These stories came from their sons, grandchildren, friends, and brothers and sisters.  The one story that stuck out was a story my Uncle Kevin told about my Grandpa.  He said the one thing he will never forget about his dad (my grandpa), was that every morning as he and his brothers would run out of the house to get all their farm chores done, they would trip over their father on the way out of the house. Why might you ask were they tripping over my grandpa every morning on their way out?  He was kneeling by the door, praying.  He did this every morning.  He would pray for his boys and his wife, that God would keep them safe and healthy. He prayed for the farm, he prayed for everyone that he knew.  My grandpa King is the most selfless and most genuine person I have ever known.  And he had an unshakable faith in God.  I’ve never met someone who had so many bad things happen to them in their life and still love God as much as he did.  He loved God with everything he had.  I really wish he were here so I could talk to him.  It’s been seven years now since he died; I had just turned 14 and was in the 8^th grade.  I’m starting to forget little things about him and it hurts so much, because I don’t want to forget anything about him.  The one thing I know I will never forget about him though, is the love and unfailing faith he had in the lord. 

I think one of my big problems is that I am a really independent person and I feel like I should be able to fix my own problems and figure things out on my own.  But I can’t do everything on my own.  I need help sometimes; I just don’t like admitting that I need help. 

While I was at school this past spring semester I started getting into the habit of running our fit trail in the morning and then after my run I would sit on the swinging bridge to pray.  It is so peaceful at 7 am on that bridge.  There were a few mornings that I just sat there and cried because I knew something was missing… it was that unshakable faith that I so desperately desire.  I would really like to continue this tradition of waking up early in the morning so I can run and sit on the bridge to talk to God and pray.  It is what I want and what I need.  I need more of God in my life.  I need that unshakable faith.    

Rain

"And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down. Without the rain, there would be no rainbow." 
Gilbert K. Chesterton 


Rain. 


Some people hate rain.  I mean I guess I cannot blame them.  Rain does sometimes seem to come at less than ideal times.  Take for example a day at the beach... there's nothing worse than seeing looming rain clouds in the sky on what was meant to be the perfect day. 


However, I like the rain.  In fact, I love the rain. 


It is wet, and usually cold.  It is invigorating to say the least.  


Rain makes me feel.  


Alive.


I love the feel of rain on my skin.  I love the feel of rain on my face.  I usually have those moments where I think, Crap! My mascara!  But then again I usually don't even care.


One day during fall semester of my Junior year when I was feeling particularly lonely, empty, and lost, it started to rain.  I walked to the window in my apartment and put my hand to the glass.  I closed my eyes and the next thing I knew I was flying down the staircase running straight out into the rain.  I threw my hands up into the air as if to ask the clouds to aim every last rain drop at me.  I stood there for the longest time my face to the sky letting the rain fall onto my face, and the rest of me.  It was the first time since I arrived at school that I felt truly alive.  I started to cry.  I cried tears of frustration, hurt, guilt, and pain.  It was hard to tell which drops were rain and which were tears.  But it didn't matter.  And then I did something that I never would have expected... I started to laugh.  I had been tormented by so many things up to that point and I was a basket case trying to keep myself in check and act normal for my own sanity and for the sake of my friends and the people I came into contact with.  


It was that day of rain that I started to heal. 


Rain reminds me to live.  
Rain reminds me to breathe.
Rain reminds me to smile. 


So every time it rains I look to the sky and whisper, "Thank you, thank you for sending the rain."